Nobody reads this. Of that, I am somewhat certain. But that's okay. I need an outlet, and it doesn't matter if anyone reads it or not.
Today, I held my buddy, my nine-year-old lab mix, Thunder, for the very last time. We're not sure what happened to him. Potentially cancer. How it happened isn't important. He's gone. That's what matters. It wasn't unexpected. He's been going downhill for a few weeks now, and we decided it was time to put him down before he suffered an undue amount. It wasn't the hardest thing I've ever done, believe it or not. But it was heartbreaking. I even made the vet cry.
PT school has sort of improved recently. No, it isn't getting easier. I'm just getting more calloused to it. I survived midterms. Everyone did. But there were a lot of people freaking out. Including me. Until a text from a friend reminded me that God is still going to use me whether I make it through PT school or not. My attitude changed. I began doing everything I could to encourage those around me. People told me it helped. And I felt like I was answering my call. Despite the bright face, however, and the oft-repeated phrase "It's gonna be fine," I was suffering a bit. Thunder wasn't long for the world, and I knew it. And it was eating me alive. I couldn't stop thinking about it.
It seemed, and still seems, strange that dogs are so short-lived. I think that they are a very good example of unconditional love. I don't know how many better examples I have seen in life. Yet, they only last ten, fifteen years, often less. Maybe that's why they hurt so badly to lose- not because we love them, but because they love us. That's why it leaves a void when they're gone.
Between school and the impending loss of my best friend, what I needed more than anything was hope. And I could find it in music. Music serves as sort of a brace. Despite the pain or weakness I may be experiencing, I can stand up and walk through life. There are particular songs that have been especially important to me this summer. Danny Gokey's "Hope in Front of Me" is one. Shane Harper's "Hold You Up" is another, and Needtobreathe's "Multiplied." It's a reminder that my circumstances suck. I don't have any answers. I have a lot of disappointment, a lot of pain. But I have no bitterness. I have hope for better times. I just have to be reminded of it sometimes.
Today, I received word that a classmate has a strange bacterial infection- she could be back in a couple of days, or never. They don't know yet. I almost started crying in class today, feeling like I couldn't handle what I knew was coming sometime this week. I wanted to get up and leave. Just run away. But what I did instead was listen to Needtobreathe's Rivers in the Wasteland album. And I got up and prepared for class. Then, I got 100% on a pathophysiology test. And picked up my official name badge. And I felt pretty good about myself. Then, Dad called. And the whole day turned on its ear.
I won't go into any detail about the procedure. What I will say is that when I was 13, my family was looking for a computer desk. One morning, Dad came home and woke me up, saying he had found something that he needed help with. I assumed I would be helping him to carry a computer desk. What I found was a big, goofy, smiling face pressed up against the truck window- Thunder. I took him out of the truck and carried him back to the house. Today, after he took his last breath, I had a request for the vet. He granted it. I carried my best friend out of the clinic.
No comments:
Post a Comment